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The day I Decided to Give up on my son with Autism


where we were to where we are today 

    We had just celebrated Alden's 4th birthday. Like all mom's I struggled with the idea of my baby growing up. Having a child with autism though, birthdays can also be as struggle for a very different reason. It seems to remind you of missed milestones and you can't help but compare how you are preparing for your 4 year old's party to how a 'normal' 4yearr old would celebrate. This year I would be lying to say I didn't have any of those thoughts. However, I am happy to say that I got through his birthday for the first time since his diagnosis without having to hide and cry at some point. I truly believe it is because almost a year ago I decided to give up on Alden. Now before you call CPS please hear me out. 

    Alden was diagnosed just before his 2nd birthday. Brandon and I spent that first year researching, arguing, praying, stressing, and paying through the nose for someone to cure him. We needed someone to fix our little boy! I was so mad that I was being robbed of the child I dreamed of while I carried him inside of me for 9 months. I would have given anything for someone to give me that dream back. After some time, prayer and a lot of support from teachers, friends and family I finally decided that I needed to give up on the Alden I THOUGHT I needed. I needed to give up, to be the best mom I could be for him. I was driving myself crazy, some days quite literally trying to making every second of every day a teachable moment for him. I was teaching AT him every second, of every day in an effort to 'fix' him. It was exhausting and frustrating; equally for him and I! I realized that society had taught me what to expect of our son. He needed to be a member of the national honor society Be the football team captain. He would graduate college and would then get married and have 2.3 children. They would live in a ranch style home surrounded by a white picket fence. Isn't that what every mother wants for their child? Autistic or not, I wasn't going to quit until he had achieved that dream!
    "That dream" I guess I can't remember the exact moment, but I recall the feeling that swept over me when I FINALLY realized, THAT was the dream I had for Alden. I wanted a cookie cutter son and had convinced myself not to settle for anything less, despite the fact that God felt I was ready for so much more. Now all the achievements I listed above are wonderful, and I would still love these events for either/both of the boys. However I have given up the white knuckled grip I had on them. I have found peace in new expectations for Alden, both of the boys actually! 
    God has perfectly made our children, both their talents and imperfections. Our job as parents are to teach those children how to be loving, compassionate, kind, respectable members of society. Those things, I am confident Alden will achieve. With that in mind I can let go of certain expectations for him. If he has those things someday that would be fantastic! But he will never be any less amazing, wonderful,  or loving without those things. That was harder to realize at the time than it seems it should be looking back.
    Today I am able to relax and enjoy the sweet, innocent, amazing gift God has blessed us with. I still get hurt by the dreaded black and white assessments and IEP's. They dont show the wonderful characteristics Alden's has; but even that is easier to swallow now that I've given up on 'fixing' Alden. I would encourage all parents to 'give up' on their special needs children. I am ashamed at how long it took me to do so. I hope this will help other parent's get there sooner so they can start embracing and enjoying their journey even quicker!

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